EP 1: Torn Between Dating and Serving Abroad
Episode 1 | 49 Minutes | August 12, 2025
A series about the fears and questions that come with moving for cross-cultural work.
You're thinking about moving abroad to serve, but you're also in a relationship. Or you want to be. And now you're torn between the two.
If you feel this, then you're not alone. Join us as we unpack one of the most complicated and emotional questions people wrestle with: How does my relationship or desire for one fit into a calling to cross-cultural work? In this episode, we share personal stories and honest reflection, we explore what it means to surrender our timelines, trust God, and make space for both desire and discernment.
What You’ll Learn:
How to navigate the emotional tension between pursuing love and following a calling
Why trusting God with your timeline doesn’t mean giving up your desires
What it looks like to wrestle honestly with questions about relationships, faith, and the future
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Hey guys, just wanted to quickly welcome you to episode one of the Torn Between Podcasts. It's a podcast where we dive into some of the biggest fears and questions that we've seen a lot of people struggle with when they are pursuing the idea of cross-cultural work and doing it abroad. So, uh, welcome to episode one.
This episode is all about relationships. And so if you're somebody that. Is in a relationship or maybe would like to be, but you're a little fearful of how moving abroad and doing cross-cultural work and entering this type of work would affect that this episode's for you. And so we dive into a bunch of examples, a lot of fears, and um, a lot of really good questions.
And Mark and Carly have a lot of wisdom about this. So, um, buckle up. Hope you enjoy this first episode of Torn Between.
Hey everyone and welcome to this miniseries of the Last and Change
podcast.
Today we are gonna be talking about, a topic that. Maybe makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable, but everyone absolutely, everyone feels and thinks about, which is relationships and the tension between do I stay for a relationship or do I go abroad, which is what I also want to do.
And what does, how does that impact my opportunity for relationships in the future?
So today with me, I have my host,
Carly.
Hello,
And Mark.
Hi, I'm Mark.
I have
a
few things and a few questions that I personally can bring in this space, which feels a little uncomfortable because I'm like, all right, time to talk about my love life with Mark and Carly.
Yeah, I know. I love you guys. I feel very safe with you guys. Would you guys like to give any context, to this before we dive in?
just that this tension between dating and serving is something like Michael said that I think is pretty universal nowadays, especially as we're recruiting younger
potential workers to work with one collective. They're always thinking forward.
They're thinking about their future, they're thinking about their career, they're thinking about potential relationships, and they're evaluating the risk and reward,
for making these decisions. And I think it's something that we talk through with many people on the front end. And then we also see a lot of relationships and love blossom on the field.
So it's fun to see that side of it too, but it's a pretty common theme that we see.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I am talking with this, person right now who. I started to talk conversation with her about eight months ago. She had a dream that she was maybe supposed to go to a certain country overseas.
And so I've had a number of conversations with her. She filled out an application, references things were looking good. And then a couple weeks ago she says, I met someone.
And she's not going abroad anymore.
She is wrestling with that question.
Okay. She feels the tension.
She feels the tension. Yes. She not good. It looks like she might be leaning toward No for now. Okay. But she's wrestling with this tension of love and, her sense of calling.
Yeah. I feel like that is the exact tension I was feeling like a year ago now almost.
A year ago I was in a relationship with somebody. We were dating maybe six months at that point, but I ended up traveling to Santiago, Spain. Ended up meeting some really amazing people that work for one collective there and just bonded. We were just chatting, doing life, and I shared that it is one of my goals to move abroad at some point and not just move abroad anywhere, but move abroad to a place that I can learn the language through immersion.
Because I really have this sense of like, I want to be able to meet people where they are. 'cause I feel like most. People in other cultures with other languages always learn English and they're always meeting me where I am, which I'm really grateful for. But I, I, at least with one language, I wanna be able to try and meet somebody else where they are.
And Spanish is a great language to learn, especially even here in America. Just share some of this with Dusty and Jordy and then ended up coming back after vacation. And then Dusty reached out and he's like, Hey Michael, can we jump on a call? And I was like, sure, we'd love to just hang out. And we jumped on a call and he said, pretty much I wanted to get on a call with you just to show how serious I am about this.
But you shared some of these desires that you have and I think that you're a really cool person and I really would love to do life with you, at least for a time. Would you want to move here to Santiago live life with me and work remotely? And he literally like laid out all of these things about how he could help me convince my boss and upper leadership to let me work remotely for a year and how it'd be beneficial.
And he's like, totally here to help you, like figure out the visa and everything. Like he, he went through every barrier and I was like, wow, I feel so valued and wanted, and also you're doing this to help me achieve a goal that I want. And so it was just like above and beyond and it was really significant.
But I was dating this girl and I really wrestled with, do I go abroad? And leave her. Or do I stay in this relationship, which is a genuine, like good opportunity that I had right then. And I wrestled with God for a long time with that and had conversations with her. And the conversations ended with we either get married and we move abroad together, which like first year married, moving in abroad does not sound like you're setting yourself up for success.
Two, I was not ready to get
married. Yeah, that's a big
Yeah, yeah. Or three you move abroad and we break up. And that was it. That was where we, we landed after a lot of conversations that were really hard. And so I ended up landing in the space of, okay, I'm going to choose to continue to pursue this relationship to see where it goes.
And, 'cause I wasn't ready to call quits on it, but I also was not ready to be like, let's get hitched. But now here I am a year later and out of that relationship, which is sad, now I'm reconsidering. Do I move abroad now? Is this the time?
I just want to pick up on a phrase you used you said you were really wrestling with God, I just wanna say this whole topic, we can have, specific points we cover and things we look at. But this really is a matter of discernment and a lot of discernment happens outside of here are the points to consider.
And so I really appreciate your, you introducing the realm of discernment and even spirituality. Like it's an invisible thing. Yeah. Trying to figure out these things. God's will call it.
Let me ask you guys a question about that, how do you guys walk with applicants who have made this decision and like so many different applicants, how have you walked with them and helped them to discern what God's will is for them?
Yeah, that's a really big question to consider, and it's something that I think we're all perpetually doing in our own lives, right?
Yeah. So we're just. A guide for people. We can't make that discernment decision for them in any way, shape or form. We are just supporting them really through this process as they're wrestling with these questions with God directly and with wise counsel in their lives and with maybe a person that they're in a relationship with or considering being in a relationship with, prior to going.
But I think it's really important to remember what was the calling moment in your life? How did God reveal that to you? And has that changed in any way? Or is that a separate thing from this newfound exciting relationship possibility in your life? Because remembering. The calling I think is an important exercise for people to do.
'cause it is easy to get cloudy in that when something else pops up, even when like another type of distraction comes during this process that can also cloud your vision for the future and keep you from remembering or stay in the course of your calling. So I think that's a really key conversation to have is just helping them reflect back on what was this initial calling, how did it manifest, what did it look like?
And what is, my vision for the, my future in ministry. Whether that's going to be, vocational ministry or ministry outside of a vocation.
Yeah. I would, add a few things. Maybe a curve ball, so like calling, yes, but sometimes God adjusts his calling or I was talking with this one person who had this dream, same person I mentioned before, had this dream of going to a certain location and
halfway through our process, we came to the realization that this dream would, did not represent her ultimate destination, but it was to get her moving forward on her path of exploring. Absolutely. So she ended up wanting to go somewhere else before she met someone. The other thing I would say about calling is, I'll just share a definition that Carly and I use a lot in mobilization, and that is that calling is essentially stewarding your next steps in life, relationships, and career. That is so helpful because calling doesn't have to be this big. Oh, God's called me to reach the poor in a certain city in Ethiopia. Maybe God is simply calling me now in my life to take the next step with this person that I'm, I have a friendship with, whatever.
And you don't have to figure it all out. You simply have to discern, listen different ways for what is that next step I'm
Yeah.
If they're in a spot where they have a potential relationship on the horizon or they've entered a relationship and now they're at this crossroads of making a decision of whether to stay in a relationship or whether to move forward with, you know, their initial commitment or their initial desire to serve overseas, we also have to look at or help them.
Explore,
what
is this person that's now in their life? What is their vision for their future? And are those two aligned? Or are they in conflict in some way? And are the feelings around this person overpowering? Or, just have a bigger presence in their life in this decision making than, and looking at.
Their futures together and whether those will compliment each other, whether that's in ministry or any other thing, like whether it's like where in the world do you wanna live, whether it's, if you wanna have kids, like all those things are obviously super important discussions to have in a relationship.
And thinking about your vision for your future might have to come earlier in a relationship's timeline when it involves somebody who is considering serving overseas. Because that changes the dynamic of the relationship so much, that they might have to have those discussions at an earlier point, than maybe they would naturally.
Maybe not like first date type thing, but
maybe though,
third, like, hey, just a heads up thinking to move abroad.
Yeah.
as we're developing this relationship. That's a, I get Yeah, that's a big deal.
Definitely. So Carla, you mentioned, like looking back at the original space where like you were called. And so I'm just curious can you guys like walk me through that? Like I am in this process and I could think of ideas and spaces where like my original calling was, but I dunno, it was missions night at a church camp maybe?
Or was it while I was studying at university? I don't know. So I'm curious, like, use me as a case study. How would you guys walk somebody through
So you have had an experience of some kind with God where you are sensing a call to serve?
Yeah, it's super general though. Like I feel like I've been called to love people well wherever I
Mm.
And I think I'm been really uniquely equipped. And so like there's specific spaces that I just can do that better because of my experience I've had. But I also don't wanna be like limited to only trying to serve in the ways that I feel comfortable or
capable. of
doing it.
'cause I
know God can use us in really unique ways that we're not
expecting.
What's happening within me right now is I am just automatically putting my, not putting myself, I'm in this conversation with Michael Proctor.
Yeah. And I am now seeking to like, invite you into to walk with one collective and work with us. Yeah. So what I would do is I have just a series of questions that I ask, and we don't have to make this an official interview, right now, but it's like I would ask you things like, um. What are your skills?
Yeah.
Which I know when I first came to one collective, that was one of the first questions you asked me.
And I said, videography. And at the time I literally was like, barely, I barely knew what I was doing. And
knew. I think I remember
and you were like, great, you wanna go to Bulgaria, Albanian, South Africa And 19-year-old
me was like, heck yeah.
It
was a developing skill.
Yeah.
And luckily, like that trip was postponed a couple times, thank God, because my skills developed a
lot
during the times.
It was
Well. But yeah, that was a really helpful
question.
Maybe
partly the way I'm, I'm what I want say here is that for someone exploring like it's, we ask a series of questions to really get to know them as well as we can, and then see if there is a pathway that makes sense for them to work maybe with one of our locations around the world doing something that you are really passionate about.
I see. And then we would ask are you drawn to any parts of the world? Yeah. Are you drawn to work with any certain demographics? But it takes time. Yeah. There's no one interview that brings us to an answer. Yeah. It takes time reflecting prayer, but that has to happen over time.
Yeah, absolutely. That makes sense. And I know we chatted off and on I think it was like three years before I ended up going
abroad. Really? Okay. I think so. Yeah. Partly COVID was in the mix. I
that definitely delayed. it like
I tell a lot of people that time is a great clarifier.
As it is with relationships as well. And I think, I mean, you're sensing a pull at this. Point in your life or even a year ago in your life to have a new experience to serve and use your skills in a new context and a new capacity. And I think like you don't wanna ignore that pole, that sense that God might be opening a door for you somewhere and asking you to walk through.
And so then you have to weigh what are your other values in your life? What are things
that
might be really good that might be enriching to your life, but. That, may limit you, from being able to have the fullest experience here and relationships may or may not be a part of that equation.
And like last year when you evaluated this, it was a really big part of this equation to the point where you made the decision to wait knowing too that this invitation might, remain open. Where like this relationship needed your current attention and the invitation to serve or to move or to have this new experience, could be on the table later.
That you might be able to take that up at a different point. And so I think like looking at, the timing of these things is also really important as you're evaluating. This potential relationship or current relationship and the opportunity to serve.
It's kind of an all encompassing process.
It's not something that we're essentially just trying to figure out. There is that part of it. We want to use our conscious mind to figure things out. But Gabor mate, my favorite. Canadian physician says that our conscious minds are only 6% of our evaluative faculties. the rest of it is all internal.
It's subconscious. Trying to figure things out with absolute certainty and clarity often isn't possible. And I will sometimes share with people, a quote by Mother Theresa where, this ethicist, I forget his name, asked her on a visit to Calcutta, will you please pray for me? She said, how would you like me to pray for you?
Pray that I have certainty about a matter. And she laughed and she said, he said, she said, that's the last thing I'm gonna pray about for you. And he said, you always seem like so confident and certain. And she said, no, I don't have certainty. I have trust. And so very often, many of our people will get to a place where maybe they're 80% certain about the way forward, or 65 or 91, but there has to come a step where you're a place where you're gonna step into the unknown with a level of trust in the God that you are in relationship
yeah, like how do we get to that place? Because I'm reflecting and thinking about, I was at times 50, 50 at times 20, 80, and I felt like I was just fluctuating so much. What percentage do I hit before I make that choice? And
then
how spell formula
is,
I wanna formula
I know sometimes
our
actions actually proceed like our feelings. In this area, we have to take an action and place our trust in the Lord by taking a step forward and knowing that maybe our feelings will follow. so it's not always that it's leading with oh, I feel like I
can
and then I'll make that decision and then I'll take that action.
So I think it's about sensing and discerning where he's calling you to be obedient in like just one step. Yeah. And having faith in the future. And having faith that like, is God really a good father? Who wants the best thing for you in your life and wants to give you good gifts and not just teach you hard lessons.
That was a thing I had to learn through relationships, through experiences that I had, that he wasn't just putting relationships in my life to like teach me hard lessons and help me like sharpen, myself and become holier really. He wanted to give me good gifts to bless me, and that also involves saying no to a relationship.
It involves saying no to some other things that. I, was questioning the value of, and was questioning whether these were from God. But when I really saw him as a good father who wanted what's absolutely best for me and wanted to bless me, then I think it, things became clearer, in my life.
And I was able to move forward and trust knowing that good things were ahead. Not that I had said no to something. So then that was my one and only chance. But that good things were truly ahead and, and that played out, in my life and good things were ahead. So
I think, that trust
in father and your good
father thing to
remember.
That's hard to remember because I think oftentimes, and I think a lot of other people probably feel this, that there's one right answer. Yeah. And I think oftentimes God is more like, Hey, you have. Free will and I have created you with free will and choice. And I want you to choose me, but I also want you to like, to use the power of free will, which I've given you, and to choose what is good and what you also desire.
And I, and I want that to align also with what I desire. And I think the fear is I have two doors that are open and it feels like God's opened both of them. But I still could choose the wrong one and then like God would be disappointed in me, life would be terrible if I choose like the wrong one.
And I'm always fearful of will I choose correctly?
I you're right that's a pretty common, way of seeing this topic. Sometimes I tell people, if it's someone whose heart seems to be really in a great place, I will tell them, you're not gonna miss it. I don't think God is up there with these two doors and better pick the right one, or you're gonna get on my bad list.
I don't think he does that. I think that's a false construct. He's a kind father and he wants to give us good things. Yeah. And he will in this area as well. It's a big area, big topic like relationships and going overseas, but I don't think we're gonna miss it. Hmm.
Okay. A few things are coming to mind and a lot of fears I think are coming to mind for me. One is the fear of making a decision too quickly because of the pressure of trying to move abroad, which is kind of what I mentioned with this girl I was dating last year, that the decision we came to was we get married and move abroad and I was really struggling with the sense of is this a good motivator to expedite the decision of getting married or does this relationship and decision need more time to be made? 'Cause I could see a lot of people, maybe you guys, I, I'm curious, have you guys seen people make a decision to get married or to save the relationship and then go abroad and move together or.
I
don't know. Have you guys seen that story play out
before? '
I have seen that before. But I think that's a temptation of a lot of people is, to rush so that you can kind of make both things possible.
Yeah.
Right. Because that's like ideal. I don't have to choose, I just get both best of both worlds.
Right? Yes.
I
would
caution,
however Okay.
that
what are the negative consequences of waiting to make a decision and thinking through? All those potential consequences. Yeah. And evaluating whether they're worth actually rushing into that decision, because I think in most cases, time as Mark said, is actually helpful.
And that applies to relationships too. And it also could apply to the decision making process of choosing to serve overseas.
But Carly, I'm getting older, like
the
clock is
ticking. Like, isn't that true?
To some extent, sure. But, um, if you look at the big picture of things and the big picture of your life,
um, keep in perspective.
It is hard to keep in perspective, but. The amount of time that we're talking about here is minimal as you look at the whole scope of your life. And if you made a potentially, serious decision that would have real consequences too soon, that can be, much more detrimental than waiting another year to make that decision.
And maybe you'd land in that same place, but maybe you wouldn't and you would've had that extra time to sew into your relationship too, and to get to know each other better and to evaluate more if you're compatible long term, and if this is truly God's plan for you and for that person. So I think actually time is on your side here.
And rushing into a decision is strongly advised against in.
you know, Michael,
you said I'm getting old. Okay. Yeah. To the degree that, that's like a legitimate perspective of yours right now, what emotions are going on within you regarding that?
Yeah. I would say really bluntly how I feel right now is. I am 25 and like the feeling very specifically I have is my brother's married and he and his wife want to have kids
soon. Yeah. And I
want to have my kids grow up with his kids 'cause we're identical twins and it'd be so fun.
But I am not married and I want to go spend a year abroad and then come back and thinking through everything.
I'm like, all right, I at least gotta date somebody for a year. And then we at least gotta be married for two years probably before we pop out any kids. And this timeline's looking like I'm not gonna have kids until I'm like 30, 32 maybe. And that's if the timeline works out perfectly. And so it feels like right now I could go on a date with this girl, I'm met at the coffee shop Monday and like start that relationship and explore it.
Or I can go abroad, spend a year abroad. Growing and experiencing different cultures and experiencing God in new ways and then coming back and like looking for somebody, but also like, I guess I could meet somebody while I'm there. Exactly. There's nothing against that. But it just feels like that is, much less plausible to happen.
But I also just genuinely don't know, like I am, I don't know. What does living in Spain look like? What does dating in Spain look like? I have zero idea. I don't even know Spanish now. How would I talk to the person?
Yeah. Boy, that's a lot there, when you moved from Lincoln, which where you're from, I think. Up to Elgin, Illinois a few years
Yeah.
Did you think that Oh, man. To go to Elgin? There might not. I might miss out on people who are in Lincoln. That could be part of my future.
Yeah. I didn't think that because Lincoln's this tiny rural town and I'm like, Elgin's got way better possibilities
Yeah. But I'm thinking like, like if someone, I was thinking of this earlier,
but that is a good question. If
Someone chooses to go to a college in Indiana. Alright. They choose therefore not to go to a college in anywhere else, like in California.
Okay. So that means this pool of potential future partners, it doesn't exist for them. The word decision comes from it's either Greek or Latin word means to cut off any other possibilities. So you go here and that kind of becomes your pool of potential partners, at least for a while. And the mission's question is a bigger, on a larger scale, right?
You're going to a different culture, different country. But the thing is, we don't go or stay. We don't know who God, what God's up to. Absolutely. We don't know who those potential people are. For us. We have no idea. And so that's where trust has to play a
role. Gotta have faith
And surrendering your control of your own timeline, of the expectations of your timeline in your head.
I mean, when I was formerly engaged at like age 25 and I thought, okay, here's a vision for my future, a specific timeline for my future that I could see play out. That was kind of in line with my expectations. Then when I chose to break off that engagement, that was a full surrender of the future. Yeah.
Because it was like, what if this never happens again? What if I, what if it takes me 10 years to find someone? What if I, just said goodbye to my only potential for
Yeah. And that's the fear is I will never find love again.
fear.
That is the fear Many people have. But I think that is what we are called to surrender, whether or not we're serving vocationally, overseas or whether we're staying here.
We as followers of Jesus are handing over that timeline, those expectations for our own life to where God would lead us.
Yeah, it's, if I haven't found the person, the right person for me yet, if I go overseas another country, will I miss my right person?
Oh yeah. I felt that.
Yeah.
You could ask the question, the flip of that, will staying prevent me from meeting my future spouse? Oh, interesting. Because they're both legit.
But that is definitely a feeling of I think maybe Elgin has the right person for me.
There's a lot of people here that are similar to me and like, like-minded and I don't know what people are like abroad, wherever I'd move and so will I be able to find somebody like-minded, if the only Americans are the ones that are my team and my team's only 10 people, that's a small pool to choose from.
Is that, are you limiting yourself to
Maybe
I am, I don't know, but like also the idea of dating somebody else that grew up in a whole different culture and knows is. Other language that I don't know how to speak yet, but we'll learn is really intimidating
in
is intimidating.
Okay. Okay.
and and then what do you do?
Do I just choose to live the rest of my life there with them? Do, then they move to the US and I mean, those are all questions you'd have to wrestle through while dating.
and
those are questions that a number of our workers overseas are asking really?
Because they meet someone overseas and love happens and, and then those questions become front and center.
Yeah.
I think on the front end this is a common question, will going will fulfilling this commitment, this calling in my life, mean sacrificing my dream of getting married. Will it mean giving up that dream forever of having a family?
And I think you have to come to a point where you are okay with it going either direction because God will bring you to the place that he wants you and use you in the ways that He wants you and bring the right community around you and bring the right people in your life if you are walking in obedience to him.
And if you are living in communion with him. And
so
whether you go or stay,
whether you go or stay, right? Like you could end up single here too, even if you want to be married and want to have a family. And also trusting that he knows your desires, that he wants good things for you, and that if he brings you the right person, that will happen here or there too. And so I think like being comfortable or being willing to live in that space, live in that uncertainty and still take those steps forward. Is the right mindset to be in. And then what we often see is people are surprised with who God brings to their path.
Yeah.
happens
whether that's, whether that's a national, in the country where they're serving, whether that's, an American either with one collective or, you know, in some other capacity living overseas, or whether that's somebody they meet online, even like here in the States, and then have to determine where, what their futures will look like together.
It doesn't mean closing the door to love altogether. And we've seen that time and time again that when people leave for the field single, that does definitely not mean that they're gonna remain single on the field. I
I
think I, like me and maybe everyone else, and my position just needs to keep remembering that yeah, moving abroad does not mean you will be single, it actually really does not change hardly
It's almost irrelevant.
Wow. You, You,
would say it's almost irrelevant. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. I will keep saying those words. Mark says it's irrelevant. You'll meet somebody
I, I, I mean, I mean there are different factors of course, but I don't think it directly affects whether you will find a long-term loving
relationship.
Yeah, that makes sense.
And several of our leaders around the world have actually become relationship experts, um, by seeing, many of their teammates navigate this process for themselves and provide counsel and coaching and walking with them, supporting them through this process. Whether that means they're like.
in a long distance relationship or they're navigating the challenges of that, or whether they meet someone on the field and they're discerning what could be the future here. Whether they're just, struggling with singleness and loneliness. That's something that a lot of our field leaders have come to.
Yeah. Kind of embody like as a mentor role in, in many of our workers' lives. Just observing those relational,
Is there a team that has the highest marriage, like success rate or dating success
rate
You want us to name teams?
Maybe
not. No.
Some
is funny though. That is it makes sense.
Yeah, because a lot of, like the best season of life to move abroad and have this experience is like right. When you're graduating school and you don't have a career, you don't have a family. You're not
the least amount of
And that's what I feel right now. I'm like, this is the best time of my life to, to try and do this and get this experience.
Absolutely.
And when I talk to college students in classrooms, I will make this very point that this is the optimal time in five years from now. I say this, five years from now or eight years from now, you will look back on this time and you'll say, boy, I was so free then. Yeah. And yet, and so it makes it an optimal time Yeah.
To go.
Yeah. So the theme I'm hearing over and over again is surrender. And trust God with your future. Whether that is you stay or you go
and
have patience.
I feel like those are the two things I keep hearing you guys say, which are really hard things to do. I feel like I have things that call me out on both of those. Often, and I'm like, man, I've not surrendered this thing. Or I've retaken control of these decisions in my life all the time. And I feel like it's always a process of re,
re, surrendering things to God.
And that's
really hard,
but it is necessary.
Yeah. I would just say to that, Michael, that your tendency to like take things back, God doesn't look at you and judge you for that.
You're fine. You can relax and you're fine with that.
Just continue to listen love and his words to you and continue moving forward in your process. He doesn't condemn us. Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't shame us. He's kind. Yeah. He's kind to you no matter what.
I just think of like prodigal son coming home. And hopefully you're not to the extreme of the prodigal son, but like, it kind of is that way.
Like God is always delighted when you come back to him with, at whatever
level it
is. Okay. So, as I'm considering moving abroad, I would look at different organizations and I've found that organizations have very different beliefs on dating.
And some are even saying you are not allowed to date if you commit to going abroad for say, a year because they say that's a distraction, which I would agree with, but might also be frustrated about. So what's one collective's perspective or take on that, and how do they navigate that in a healthy way?
Because I think there are some like, healthy boundaries with that.
Yeah, I think that's a great question to be asking. One collective has chosen not to have an official policy on dating because it is such an individual question that you have to wrestle with yourself and you have to think through what's right for your situation and how the Lord is speaking to you and working in your life.
So we don't have a policy that outlines like what's allowed and what's not allowed. However, I think it's really important to have open communication with your supervisor, which in many cases is your team leader here, with one collective about, your vision for the future, your desires, your current relationship status, challenges in your relationship.
Because this isn't just a job, it is a life that you're gonna be living in community with people who you're serving alongside, and you should be willing to share. All aspects of your life together. And so often our leaders can offer really good wisdom or other team members who have gone through this maybe are, who are a few steps ahead.
They can offer really good wisdom to consider and just be like a supportive ear. Somebody who can, sit with you and walk with you on this road. And in some cases our teams do have guidelines, different teams with different guidelines about how focused on language learning and culture adaptation and adjustment you need to be for the first six months or so.
And dating might be discouraged during that period,
or
be a huge
it could be
distraction. From like important things to actually
Yeah. And so having that open line of communication, just from the beginning, from even the application process, I think is really helpful in understanding what's gonna work best in that particular country, where you're looking at service and with the team dynamics that are at play there.
And then also, knowing that your team leaders and the people who are around you and in community with you, want the best for you. They don't wanna limit you. They're not trying to prohibit you from finding love. They really want what's best for you. And so they're supporting you in this whole journey, and they're just trying to, provide the best outcomes for you.
Yeah. I would add that, just in general, this is one collective general. We have really. Kind, policies across the board that, most of our, I think almost all of our people find to be very helpful and not constricting and life giving, and this is an example of that.
Yeah, I agree. I think it's freeing.
It's freeing. I'll just add too, Carly to what you said. You already said this, but like in mobilization, our job as the, as the gateway, we're the first people to talk with new people exploring us. Yeah. It is really our, initially our responsibility to get to know people as well as we can, including their relationship.
dynamics.
Okay, What are some other questions? I or somebody in my position should be asking as it relates to relationships and serving a abroad?
The only one I would add is, of course you're single Michael, so you're not asking a question as a married man, but a married couple when they apply to us, and are accepted, we want, we look for them to be married for about a year, is the general policy before we would want them to deploy.
I see. Exactly. And so there is that, that, that is kind of a, a timeframe that is, I think in our policy or manual somewhere. It is, but it's also not a rigid one. Every case we look at individually, we've made. E exceptions probably going one direction or the other on that. And again, the purpose is we care about people and want the best for them and for our teams.
And so that's a policy we have for married couples. Okay,
So if you're engaged or married, then you'd be looking at possibly extending, you know, your onboarding, to like make sure that you're in the healthiest space possible and that you've had time to live together and like, you know, interact with each other on, on a familiar territory before moving
to
Unfamiliar.
I see. Yeah, that makes
This has been super helpful guys, and as I continue my journey, I will continue to ask you guys 'cause I have access to you and you guys have so much wisdom and experience in this space, and so I really value your guys' input on
this
and I think a lot of other people will too.
And so, um, I just wanna like summarize like the highlight of this, which I think is when you're looking at serving abroad and you feel that tension of, do I, the tension between dating and the desire to serve abroad. The answer to that would you say is surrender your desire to God and surrender this decision to God and be patient, would you say like that's, that's the key takeaway?
Yeah, I think that's, that's, on the right track for sure. And I think, another thing like truth that you can rest in is that, the choices that you make, the path that you follow will be a part of the road, the journey that leads you to your potential spouse and to God's will for your life, and choosing to do one thing or another will not keep you from love, and it will not necessarily lead you to love. It's all just a part of God's will and how that's manifesting in your life.
I'll just add the phrase, put your
yes on the table to whatever God leads you to do.
I will continue
to do that
to the best of my ability.
Well thank you guys for listening to this episode of The Last and Change podcast in this miniseries we're gonna be tackling some more hard questions that likely a lot of people thinking about serving abroad are probably asking. And so, um, be looking for the next one coming up in a couple weeks.
And, if you want resources, there's resources and episode description. And if you're looking at serving, feel free to sign up for a time to talk with Carly or Mark they would love to walk you through this process.
